Do you know what the term secondary infertility means? Everyone knows that infertility is when someone cannot achieve a pregnancy. Secondary refers to the fact that it's a new onset condition . I have conceived before, back in 2012 but have not been able to conceive a pregnancy since then. Not even a false positive, no miscarriages, nothing. For the longest time I've chickened out of investigating why. It took us 2 years of trying before being able to conceive the first time, so initially I wasn't too concerned about it. I had some difficulties with the delivery; my water broke at 35 weeks, and I had to have a c-section. After I was discharged from the hospital I had to go back due to my blood pressure being too high. My child was small-for-gestational age, and my placenta was really small. I blamed the doctor for not monitoring me closely enough.
At the time I was in a terrible work environment that just wasn't family friendly, so I told myself that once I was out of that situation I'd try again. Well. Here we are, after 4 years of trying unsuccessfully. I finally revisited the problem. Had my hormone levels checked which indicated that I'm ovulating like normal, so that's was reassuring. My NP ordered an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram), which indicated that there was a blockage of some sort. That really threw me for a loop. As far as I knew at the time, blockages could be caused by scar tissue and I had never had any kind of infection that would cause scar tissue. I went to see a specialist and had a surgical procedure done. This procedure is called a Tubal Dye Study, where they basically inject dye up through the cervix into the uterus while at the same time watching to see if the dye exits the fallopian tubes. I just had this done 3 days ago, and haven't yet spoken to the surgeon since that morning.
Apparently both of my fallopian tubes are occluded. Excuse the lack of details, I received this information second-hand from my husband. The surgeon came out and talked to him, and I guess she'll talk to me directly when I see her for my post-op visit. He tried, but he doesn't have much of a medical background and a lot of it went over his head. She told hubs that I had a lot of scar tissue in the area; some from the c-section I had in 2012 and some from an appendicitis that had healed on it's own (and I wasn't even aware of, weird). The occlusions are such that my only option for pregnancy is in-vitro (IVF).
In all of these years of trying to conceive, my line in the sand has always been at in-vitro. I've tried Clomid, I've tried letrozole, I was willing to try intra-uterine insemination (IUI) which is when the sperm are collected and inserted into the uterus just in time for ovulation. I'm not interested in in-vitro at this time. I've known several women who have gone through IVF, not all of them resulted in viable healthy pregnancies. There's so many medications and injections to take, ultrasounds on ultrasounds. The mood swings, the cystic acne, it just isn't worth it to me. I firmly believe that if it is God's will for me to get pregnant I will, without strong-arming my body into it.
This is so unfair. Apparently as much as 30% of women who have had a c-section are not able to conceive again due to scarring of the uterus. I've always held conflicted feelings about my first OBGYN, and my entire peri-natal experience but this really takes it over the top. I was not aware of that. Even as a health care provider I wasn't aware of that statistic. I don't think many people are aware of it either, if they were I'm sure that the c-section rate would be much lower than it is now in the U.S..
Is it not ironic? At work I see patients with fertility concerns and I order testing for them before referring them to a specialist. Now here I am, infertile.
I'm trying my best to not dwell on it too much, while at the same time giving myself room to grieve. This is beyond difficult. I just want to stay in bed and mope and cry but of course I can't. I don't want to talk about it. Some of my friends know, but not all of them. I've said it out loud and via text messages several times already. I don't need any more sympathy or prayers. I don't want anyone's pity. That's all they can offer, sympathy and pity.
God, thank you for giving me my son, my favorite person in the world. As much as I've wished for another baby, as much as I've desired a baby girl that looks like me and my dreams of mommy-daughter outfits and hair styles and first birthday parties - I see now that this is not my path, not at this time or in this way, and I accept your will. Please let me be a good mother to my son, I pray for the wisdom and discernment to make the best decisions for him, so that he may grow up to be a good person and to live his life in a Christ-like way (Looking out for the poor, the disadvantaged, the widowed, etc). Maybe I can have a bunch of grandkids some day. That would be nice.
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