Okay I'll say it

It's the 7th day since my surgery, my third day back to work. Today was a little better than yesterday. I didn't cry at all. I told a male friend at work about what happened - I like to be transparent, mainly because I can't hide my feelings for anything. So rather than leaving people wondering why my behavior is weird I prefer to let them know what's going on. Obviously not everyone is privy to my personal life, but there are several people at work who know. So I told L, not that we're particularly close but we've known each other for several months and he's one of the first people I befriended here. He was sympathetic, and opened up about his own struggles with infertility. His child was conceived via IVF, so he is the second IVF success story that I'm aware of.

I've had a hard time concentrating at work. I'm not really interested in much, I don't even care to catch up on my reading despite knowing that it'll probably make me feel better. Lunch is spent in my office, with the lights off and the blinds drawn, lying on the ground trying to take a nap. I think I'm doing an alright job of maintaining at work. I do my job, I'm polite and smile and joke. It's exhausting but I manage.

All I want to do is curl up in a blanket by myself and sleep. I want to take a Tylenol 3 and drift off and dream and not have to worry about anything. I don't want to be bothered. There aren't any tears. Just numbness.

There are things I can do that may help make me feel better. I can get back to exercising and working out. Well, probably just running. The endorphins will make me feel good, and seeing the resulting weight loss will help. Achieving personal records and running distances will give me a sense of accomplishment. I don't anticipate getting to the gym for weight training anytime soon. Not that I don't want to but ever since hubs started his courier job I've been stuck with picking up the kid from school most evenings, and that just doesn't leave any time for the gym. Now that the time has changed it's already dark by the time I get to the school, so running outdoors isn't really an option at that point.

I can immerse myself in reading - hahahahhaah, yeah right. I barely have time to focus on my life and work responsibilities.

What's dangerous about this depression is that I don't really care about a lot right. Obviously I care about my career, and I care about my child, but....that's about it. And that's a dangerous place to be. No that I'm in danger of harming myself at all, but I'm more so concerned that my lack of giving a damn may irreparably harm relationships with those around me. I may not care right now but what if that's the depression affecting me?