Coping

Today was my first day back to work since having surgery and I very much regret not taking the day off. I couldn't concentrate worth a damn. The first hour or so of work was spent trying not to cry, but then I got into my workflow and was good for a while until lunch time. That's when I shut off the lights in my office, locked the door and hosted my very own pity party.

I've been torn between wanting to tell people about what's going on and not wanting to relive the story over and over again.  On the one hand I want to share my pain to release all of these feelings of frustration and impotence but on the other hand I can't help but think - these people don't care, why open up to them? Why do other people need to know? What can they offer me besides pity? 

I don't even want to talk to my Friends about it. I've told them the basics but I don't feel comfortable sharing my secret feelings: how I feel purpose-less, like everything I've worked toward is gone now, how I'm second-guessing my marriage, and how I wonder if maybe this is a sign telling me that this relationship is fruitless and should be pruned.

I've spent the past 4 years preparing for another child.  I've gotten healthier, lost weight, eaten better. Got a new job,  moved to another state, and found a better employer that provides paid maternity leave, I've held on to my son's nursery furniture and stroller with the intention of using it for the next one.  Those plans have been blown away by cruel reality.

I can't believe that I'm only going to get the one kid. I love him more than anything, but I had always planned for him to have siblings. Years ago, back in 2010 when I was pregnant, I wanted 3 or 4 kids. Can you believe that? I don't even like kids all that much, but I wanted a large family. I still do. I feel that having a solo kid is unfair, that people learn vital lessons by sharing their lives and growing old with brothers and sisters.  I have one sister, and growing up it was always a competition between the two of us. The adults around us pitted us against each other unfairly.  She's this way, therefore the other is this way - like we were a dichotomy or something. I feel like that unfairly molded us in ways that we wouldn't necessarily have grown on our own.  Having three or more kids would remove that tendency to polarize, it just isn't as easy to do when it's more than 2. Plus I was thinking ahead to my retirement. It's easier/cheaper to take care of an elderly parent when the cost is split between 3 people right? I'd imagine spending my elder years surrounded by my grandchildren,  sharing stories of how the world worked when I was their age.

This is so unfair.  At least it isn't an issue of having waited too long to conceive, that's a common concern for women in their 30s. I've had the testing done, I've got the ovarian reserve, my eggs are fine. It's my chewed up uterus that's the problem. Thanks a lot Dr. Welch!! (I know I shouldn't blame the Obstetrician, but she's the one who cut up my uterus and caused the scar tissue. Let me be childish in peace).

You know what, I haven't really talked to my husband about it. I asked him how he feels. We were in bed, had just turned off the lights. I find it easier to initiate deeper conversations when the lights are out. He told me that he was sad, and disappointed, but that's about as far as that conversation went. I wish he could communicate his thoughts better.  I didn't delve into the matter. Prior experience tells me that I'll only get annoyed and angry, and I don't have the energy for all of that. I could write an entire blog about the lack of communication in our relationship, but I won't go there.  I'm just going to say that it would be nice to share this with someone and to have my feelings validated. Maybe I'd like to know what his point of view is and how he feels every thing.

Well this is enough for tonight. Let's pray that tomorrow is better than today was. I wish I had an antidepressant on hand that I could take, but even if I did it would probably take a few weeks for it to take effect. Anyway, thanks for reading.