Usually I prefer to physically write my journal prompts, but I feel that I'm going to have a lot to write this time around and I don't want my hand to get tired and I get lazy.
Adrian says that anger helps us see where we are being violated/trespassed and where we need stronger boundaries. I've felt a lot of anger lately, towards Willie and towards Tavarean. She says I still have a lot of unprocessed grief related to my divorce and failed marriage, and encouraged me to do some journaling regarding that. I also need to do some journaling regarding Tavarean, and my anger and grief and indecision regarding him. First Willie -
I havent' been on Blogger in probably years, and the first post I saw was one dated January 2020. I think it was an unsent text message. I read it again, it seemed like the for the first time, and it brought back so many memories of loneliness and gaslighting. I read more entries, and remembered just how miserable I was with him. How poorly he treated me. How alone and isolated I felt. The man who was supposed to take care of me, treating me like common garbage. Adrian says that I get so triggered by him because there's still unprocessed feelings. I don't know how to process those feelings.
Old pictures of us get to me. I'm 39 now, I was a few weeks shy of 21 when I met him. He turned 36 about 8 weeks after we met. I remember when I was 36, and realized that I was the same age when we met... and looking at 21 year old as ignorant kids. You couldn't pay me to hang out with someone under the age of 25. I have one friend, Maya who is 10 years younger than me... and that's only because we were roommates in COT. Otherwise I don't think I would have befriended her because she's so friggin young. Yet this man met me, and thought I'd be a good choice of a wife.
Why did my mom encourage it? Mom thought it would be a good idea for us to date, she didn't think twice of the age difference. I guess she thought he'd be a good pastime for the summer, but I was 20... what made her think that I knew anything about having a "pastime"? And why didn't she ever sit me down and talk to me about the relationship, the inappropriateness, the lack of a fruitful future? She knew, there is no way that she couldn't see the fat-ass bold writing on the wall, but she let it happen. Why didn't she love me enough to re-direct my future? Why wasn't she proactive in directing my life trajectory? I shouldn't have had to learn all of this from first-hand experience. I can also recognize that I had never seen her with a "quality" partner, none of her partners were ever on her same social level or professional level. It never occurred to me to look for that in a potential partner.
Our wedding pictures sicken me.
I see my bright youthful optimistic face full of hope for the future, and in his face all I see is avarice and greed. I feel like he used up my youth. He drained me of vitality and opportunities, while he stalled with his lies and obfuscations, demanding to be the "head" of a household he didn't have the wherewithal or savvy to lead. He took from me, took advantage of my mother's love for me and my son, of her desire to see us happy, and had no intention of ever being able to support or provide the lifestyle he knew I wanted. He had no issue with taking from my mom, from me, from my nonna - he never hesitated to take a handout, with no plan to reimburse or reciprocate.
Now looking back he has so many qualities that I abhor in a man, but I don't know if that's because of my experience with him so now I'm super sensitive.
It's the lack of return on investment. I believed him for so many years. Promises of applying for programs, degrees, Personal Training, always followed by excuses and reasons why he couldn't. I believed him because I loved him, he was my husband so why would he lie to me? But he did. He never showed any vulnerability to me, was never willing to indicate that he didn't know or wasn't sure or was worried about anything. Even when he blew his knee, he was always adamant that it's not because of old age, that it's an injury that could happen to anyone at any age. I never understood why he would repeat that over and over again, he would get so offended if anyone suggested it was because he was old. Now I know that he was insecure about it. The one thing he had was his physical strength and prowess, and here he was approaching 50 and his knee gave out on him.
I don't know what to write - but he disgusts me as a man. He's the ultimate example of a failure, he's CAT (lacking courage aspiration and truth) the basics of what a "man" should be. TAke gender away, he lacks the basic building blocks of what a good person should be. He is all talk, no action. He makes promises but doesn't uphold. He holds more importance in image versus substance or reality, and will go to great lengths to portray the image of a Good Man and a Beautiful Family but doesn't seem to grasp the reality of what that means.
When I think of the marriage - I feel anger. Anger at Willie for using me and ruining my future, and anger/sadness at myself for allowing myself to be led down this path. Granted, how could I have known. I'm angry for that young girl not having any guidance. I'm angry at the adults around her for not giving her guidance, particularly her mother.
I Just rented Adult Children of Emotionally Unavailable Parents, going to listen to the audiobook, that's another issue altogether.
I tried really hard for that marriage to work. I had a vision for a future, and his insecurities and ignorance hobbled us from day one. I sought a partner to lead me, and he was too ignorant to even know what he didn't know.
Now I have to be my own leader, which is fine, but it isn't easy. I'll follow-up with another post about dating and seeking a partner.
Willie disgusts me at because although my expectations are pretty basic/Mickey Mouse, he still consistently fails. I don't know what his baseline is, and thus I continuously overestimate his abilities and subsequently am continuously disappointed by him. That disappointment triggers remnants of disappointment from my own father, who did nothing but fail as a dad. I so hoped to have found a "better" father in Willie than I had, and in some ways he was better. He didn't' do drugs, and he didn't run off to leave me to raise 2 daughters alone in a country where I didn't speak the language well ... but he's still a shitty father and husband. That triggers my anger, because I'd hope/expect him to do better by William. I can understand not giving a damn about me or my desires but at the very least do better to provide a good life and childhood for his only son.
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