Courtney is looking to slow down her career, is stepping down from her director position and she announced her and Paul's plan to launch his full time photography career. She shared how he wants to be home more, and the Post Office is hard on his body. Not to mention it's a dead-end job. Jamie has been voicing his desire to have his daddy around, and Paul doesn't want to miss out on these core memories. Jan shared how she appreciates that Lew works from home and is readily available, and hopes that he is able to continue doing that for some time.
Courtney then shared some childhood memories of having her dad around, at games and picking her up from school, and just his ready availability when her mom was getting her masters degree and both Jan and her shared their decision making process. It was beautiful hearing about how they sat down with their husbands and planned what they want their future to look like. Those kids are so blessed to have two parents with a shared vision of growth and aspirations for their family, and I can't help but to feel like someone on the outside looking in.
I can't imagine what that must be like, to have a Partner to plan my life with. Even when I was married, there was no planning. He didn't have any aspirations, why would he, he was already living at his peak. I cannot fathom being with someone and growing together, tangibly. Establishing a goal and working toward that, for the mutual benefit of our family. I think I'm screwed.
From what I've seen so far, it's not promising. I haven't met any man who wants to grow with me, or is growing, or interested in a "us" as a family. I'm not sure that exists, or if it exists I'm not sure that I'll find one.
Adrian says to remember God is my co-pilot, I'm holding on to that. God wouldn't leave me hanging. I'm not alone in this. Although I feel very alone. I don't know how my mom did it, but then again she also made a lot of mistakes so... that's probably how.
I feel so incredibly lonely.
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