Overwhelmed and Frustrated

 Today was another frustrating day. 

First, trying to rush William out the door this morning. Despite prepping him yesterday, making him go to bed early at 20:00 and waking him he still dragged his feet this morning. At one point I found him laying on the couch in the dark. I yelled at him, and he got up and went upstairs ostensibly to find socks - stayed up there for 10-15 minutes, doing what I will never know. Either lying down or playing with his legos. I was infuriated. I dressed, fixed his lunch, took Luke out, fed Luke, fed Kitty Baby all in the time it took him to get dressed. I think stood and watched him brush his teeth and brush his hair. He has no sense of priority, no rush, no hurry. I wanted to thrash him. It's so frustrating to see. He's old enough where he understands the idea of consequences, of cause and effect. He understands the words I'm saying, and the directives, but he doesn't translate it to action. My words mean nothing to him, he just doesn't give a fuck. Oh he'll act like he's sorry, he'll droop his shoulders and look forlorn and bruised but he doesn't change his actions at all. Nothing changes. 

This afternoon on the way home after picking him up from aftercare I asked if he had his math studyguide. His math teacher, Ms. Austill, sent parents an email yesterday giving us a heads up that she would be sending the students home with a study guide to prepare them for their math test tomorrow. You know this boy told me he left his blue math folder at home. Said that he didn't hear Ms. Austill tell them to take it home. I'm so sick of his scholastic laziness. Sick of it. I've yelled, I've fussed, I've guilted, I've lectured... he gets upset, he cries, and says I'm so mean yet here we are... not giving a fuck. I've already restricted ipad use to only weekends. So I kept him home from soccer. He was supposed to have soccer practice today, and I told him that since he doesn't take school seriously he doesn't need to be playing soccer. That school is more important than soccer is, and that since he left his math folder at school that he'll take the time he would have been at practice to practice on his math. Logged him into iReady and he did 30 minutes of math. After that I made him read for 30 minutes. That's an hour. He was sad about missing soccer but I told him that school is a priority. If he wants to do fun things he needs to be more serious about school. I hope that works. I can't afford him to be stupid like his daddy. My greatest mistake in life was pairing with that man. I cannot fathom how much my association with him has tainted and soured the promise of my life path. 

 I don't want him to grow up to be yet another useless ass man. A liability. 

This single mom shit is hard. There is so much to do and not a lot of time available to do it. Paying bills, homeowner shit, william school shit, extracurricular shit, work shit, taking care of my self shit, housework shit, yard work shit, car shit, dog shit, cat shit. Hell it's been a year and I still have boxes that need unpacking!! I don't have the available resources to confront each thing, I. am. tired. My default is tired.  Even if I get a nice day of relaxation to myself, by Tuesday I'm exhausted again. When will I get my feet under me, when will things straighten out? 

Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of complaining. I'm exhausted and fed up, exasperated. I don't even want to talk about it, because whyyyyy. To what end? It isn't going to change anything. My life isn't going to improve by dumping my thoughts and worries and mental burdens on someone else. They can't help me. I don't want to be someone to pity or feel sorry for. Yeah, single mom life is kicking my ass but this is temporary. The turn is right around the corner, things are going to improve. Things are going to change. How? I don't know. William will become more responsible - he'll be proactive in his things, completing his chores and doing his school work/studies. His grades will improve, so I can stop paying for a tutor. My car a/c will get fixed. My HVAC system will be cleaned and maintained. I'll get new flooring in my bedroom so the ratty carpet will begone. I"ll get someone to pick up this damn dining room table, clearing space out of the dining room and giving me room to tackle those boxes of books. I'll promote to major, giving me a raise. Mom's 401k. The Italy house stuff. 

I dream of having someone to share these responsibilities with, but I honestly can't imagine living with someone. Having another adult in my house with me, sharing my space with them? All my secrets, the weird shit I do in the evenings before bed when no one else is around to see. I haven't met that person.

Dual parent homes

I finally caught up with my BGs on Marco polo. We hadn't talked in a few weeks, since valentines day really. I've been kind of in my hermit kick, holing away until I feel better. 

Courtney is looking to slow down her career, is stepping down from her director position and she announced her and Paul's plan to launch his full time photography career. She shared how he wants to be home more, and the Post Office is hard on his body. Not to mention it's a dead-end job. Jamie has been voicing his desire to have his daddy around, and Paul doesn't want to miss out on these core memories. Jan shared how she appreciates that Lew works from home and is readily available, and hopes that he is able to continue doing that for some time. 

Courtney then shared some childhood memories of having her dad around, at games and picking her up from school, and just his ready availability when her mom was getting her masters degree and both Jan and her shared their decision making process. It was beautiful hearing about how they sat down with their husbands and planned what they want their future to look like. Those kids are so blessed to have two parents with a shared vision of growth and aspirations for their family, and I can't help but to feel like someone on the outside looking in. 

I can't imagine what that must be like, to have a Partner to plan my life with. Even when I was married, there was no planning. He didn't have any aspirations, why would he, he was already living at his peak. I cannot fathom being with someone and growing together, tangibly. Establishing a goal and working toward that, for the mutual benefit of our family. I think I'm screwed. 

From what I've seen so far, it's not promising. I haven't met any man who wants to grow with me, or is growing, or interested in a "us" as a family. I'm not sure that exists, or if it exists I'm not sure that I'll find one. 

Adrian says to remember God is my co-pilot, I'm holding on to that. God wouldn't leave me hanging. I'm not alone in this. Although I feel very alone. I don't know how my mom did it, but then again she also made a lot of mistakes so... that's probably how. 

I feel so incredibly lonely. 

Journaling - March 15

Usually I prefer to physically write my journal prompts, but I feel that I'm going to have a lot to write this time around and I don't want my hand to get tired and I get lazy. 

Adrian says that anger helps us see where we are being violated/trespassed and where we need stronger boundaries. I've felt a lot of anger lately, towards Willie and towards Tavarean. She says I still have a lot of unprocessed grief related to my divorce and failed marriage, and encouraged me to do some journaling regarding that. I also need to do some journaling regarding Tavarean, and my anger and grief and indecision regarding him. First Willie - 

I havent' been on Blogger in probably years, and the first post I saw was one dated January 2020. I think it was an unsent text message. I read it again, it seemed like the for the first time, and it brought back so many memories of loneliness and gaslighting. I read more entries, and remembered just how miserable I was with him. How poorly he treated me. How alone and isolated I felt. The man who was supposed to take care of me, treating me like common garbage. Adrian says that I get so triggered by him because there's still unprocessed feelings. I don't know how to process those feelings. 

Old pictures of us get to me. I'm 39 now, I was a few weeks shy of 21 when I met him. He turned 36 about 8 weeks after we met. I remember when I was 36, and realized that I was the same age when we met... and looking at 21 year old as ignorant kids. You couldn't pay me to hang out with someone under the age of 25. I have one friend, Maya who is 10 years younger than me... and that's only because we were roommates in COT. Otherwise I don't think I would have befriended her because she's so friggin young. Yet this man met me, and thought I'd be a good choice of a wife. 

Why did my mom encourage it? Mom thought it would be a good idea for us to date, she didn't think twice of the age difference. I guess she thought he'd be a good pastime for the summer, but I was 20... what made her think that I knew anything about having a "pastime"? And why didn't she ever sit me down and talk to me about the relationship, the inappropriateness, the lack of a fruitful future? She knew, there is no way that she couldn't see the fat-ass bold writing on the wall, but she let it happen. Why didn't she love me enough to re-direct my future? Why wasn't she proactive in directing my life trajectory? I shouldn't have had to learn all of this from first-hand experience. I can also recognize that I had never seen her with a "quality" partner, none of her partners were ever on her same social level or professional level. It never occurred to me to look for that in a potential partner. 

Our wedding pictures sicken me. 

I see my bright youthful optimistic face full of hope for the future, and in his face all I see is avarice and greed. I feel like he used up my youth. He drained me of vitality and opportunities, while he stalled with his lies and obfuscations, demanding to be the "head" of a household he didn't have the wherewithal or savvy to lead. He took from me, took advantage of my mother's love for me and my son, of her desire to see us happy, and had no intention of ever being able to support or provide the lifestyle he knew I wanted. He had no issue with taking from my mom, from me, from my nonna - he never hesitated to take a handout, with no plan to reimburse or reciprocate. 

Now looking back he has so many qualities that I abhor in a man, but I don't know if that's because of my experience with him so now I'm super sensitive.

It's the lack of return on investment. I believed him for so many years. Promises of applying for programs, degrees, Personal Training, always followed by excuses and reasons why he couldn't. I believed him because I loved him, he was my husband so why would he lie to me? But he did. He never showed any vulnerability to me, was never willing to indicate that he didn't know or wasn't sure or was worried about anything. Even when he blew his knee, he was always adamant that it's not because of old age, that it's an injury that could happen to anyone at any age. I never understood why he would repeat that over and over again, he would get so offended if anyone suggested it was because he was old. Now I know that he was insecure about it. The one thing he had was his physical strength and prowess, and here he was approaching 50 and his knee gave out on him. 

I don't know what to write - but he disgusts me as a man. He's the ultimate example of a failure, he's CAT (lacking courage aspiration and truth) the basics of what a "man" should be. TAke gender away, he lacks the basic building blocks of what a good person should be. He is all talk, no action. He makes promises but doesn't uphold. He holds more importance in image versus substance or reality, and will go to great lengths to portray the image of a Good Man and a Beautiful Family but doesn't seem to grasp the reality of what that means. 

 When I think of the marriage - I feel anger. Anger at Willie for using me and ruining my future, and anger/sadness at myself for allowing myself to be led down this path. Granted, how could I have known. I'm angry for that young girl not having any guidance. I'm angry at the adults around her for not giving her guidance, particularly her mother. 

I Just rented Adult Children of Emotionally Unavailable Parents, going to listen to the audiobook, that's another issue altogether. 

I tried really hard for that marriage to work. I had a vision for a future, and his insecurities and ignorance hobbled us from day one. I sought a partner to lead me, and he was too ignorant to even know what he didn't know.  

Now I have to be my own leader, which is fine, but it isn't easy. I'll follow-up with another post about dating and seeking a partner. 

Willie disgusts me at because although my expectations are pretty basic/Mickey Mouse, he still consistently fails. I don't know what his baseline is, and thus I continuously overestimate his abilities and subsequently am continuously disappointed by him. That disappointment triggers remnants of disappointment from my own father, who did nothing but fail as a dad. I so hoped to have found a "better" father in Willie than I had, and in some ways he was better. He didn't' do drugs, and he didn't run off to leave me to raise 2 daughters alone in a country where I didn't speak the language well ... but he's still a shitty father and husband. That triggers my anger, because I'd hope/expect him to do better by William. I can understand not giving a damn about me or my desires but at the very least do better to provide a good life and childhood for his only son.