13 April 2023

 It's 5:43 am, on a Thursday morning. I have a headache already. 

Something is wrong with me, and I'm not sure what. I feel powerless and unable/unwilling to do anything. There's so much that I'm avoiding, it doesn't make sense and I don't know why, so in an attempt to make it make sense I'm writing them down and the feelings I associate with it. 

1) Italian documents: in February Rapisardo emailed me several documents to sign, scan back and mail back... I haven't. No good reason. It's so easy to print out, sign, scan and send back to him. Not only have I not, I've been avoiding his messages and his phone calls. I'm also now avoiding Nonna's calls, because I suspect that he has reached out to Alfredo who has then reached out to her. Why... why am I avoiding this. 

    Feelings: Guilt, discomfort, shame. I want to pretend like it doesn't exist, and don't want any reminders of it. Out of sight, out of mind. IF I ignore it'll go away.

2) OPB - it's time for the Officer Performance Brief, the new version of the OPR. I hate OPRs, I always have a hard time with them. 

    Feelings: Dread. Shame. Inadequate. I'm not good enough. Avoidance, if I ignore it'll go away.

3) HOA - This one is confusing. There's HOA fees, and then there's this Vesta fee. I set up automatic withdrawal for one, but I also owe for another? I'm very much confused. It slips my mind, but then they send letters to my house saying I owe - but I'm still not understanding who or what I owe for. 

4) Working out - I know I need to. I want to be fit and trim for my birthday, which is coming up in August. All I'm doing is the weight loss medicine. No kind of organized diet, my nutrition is no good. I know I don't eat enough protein, not enough veggies, not enough fiber. I'm not sure what I'm eating honestly, it's quite haphazard. Not to mention that my fitness test is coming up in August, and I'm not training at all. 

5) Birthday planning - it is now April, my birthday is Aug 1. I have nothing planned. No notice, no save the date, no air bnb, nothing. Why. 

These are all big things. Why am I acting this way? It is not in my best interest to do this. But I don't want to do anything. I feel dread, I feel shame, but I just want to lay in bed and sleep or lay in the sun. I don't want to be productive in any way, I'm content to just lay here and avoid thinking about it. I can't do that. I need to get out of this stagnant energy. 

Not to mention that my house is a mess. Dirty plates in the kitchen since Monday. Clean clothes piled up in my chair waiting to be put away. Suitcase from the weekend on the floor, still full of clothes. 

I'm going to reach out for an emotion code balancing, I feel off.