16 Apr 2023

 I wish someone could come save me. 

Someone to swoop in, capable and confident, to resolve my shortcomings and conflicts. Easily wrapping each problem in a neat bow.  Then pull me in for a hug, and tell me that everything is going to be okay. 

Once again I'm in a situation where I could use help, but have no one to turn to. Even though I ostensibly have a man in my life. For all his shortcomings as far as personality and manipulation go, Craig would have been here to fix my a/c. He would have had the know-how and knowledge to be able to talk me thru what I need to do, and he would have driven down to fix it. Even if he had to bring his kids with. Taffy... is only an hour away. I don't want to compare, because its' apples to oranges, but it's a reality of what being with him is like. I'm with a man who offers nothing to me.  Why? 

We went to New Orleans. He booked the flights: American, with a layover in Miami. I booked the hotel. I booked the tour ($55 each). I booked the party bus ($20). He paid for dinner; We both had gumbo ($14) and a drink each (?), and he bought our alcohol for the party bus. He paid for breakfast. Yes, I'm keeping tabs because it feels uneven. It feels imbalanced. Why? 

I have a lot to offer. I'm attractive, I'm affectionate, I'm worldly, I make good money, I'm passionate, I'm adventurous. 

He is tall, he is moderately attractive, he is affectionate, he is kind, he is spiritual, he is thoughtful, he is empathic. He has potential... 

Does he inspire growth? No, he is seeking to grow. He doesn't even know what he doesn't know. So where can he take me... ?  

Real time: what is he doing for me right now? He makes me feel good, he says loving things, gives physical affection, is someone to talk to. He offers an empathic ear when I'm frustrated or overwhelmed, but he doesn't offer anything else. I'm very much on my own, and that rubs me the wrong way. I feel that if someone is my man, he should show that he can shoulder that responsibility. 

He hasn't shown beyond a reasonable doubt that he is THAT dude. And I need that kind of certainty before I can really dedicate myself to being with someone.

On another note: I don't like how down I get when faced with adversity. I look to others for help or guidance, and on a certain level I do feel like I wasn't meant to be here on my own. But the fact of the matter is that I am on my own. Yes, God is my co-pilot. Yes, My family and ancestors cheer me on from beyond - but can they cashap me money to pay for Williams' camp or AC repair or fixing my car? Nope. 

I should have dropped him in February. Why didn't I? Because Petey prophesized him. She said God was bringing me a man, and I'd know he's the one because of his relationship with William. They're really going to bond well. And he's going to be a God Fearing man. And he's going to want to take care of me, and I have to let him. 

Everything tracks except for the "take care of me" part. He wants to... he professes that he does. But he doesn't. Is it worth my time? My energy, my effort?

13 April 2023

 It's 5:43 am, on a Thursday morning. I have a headache already. 

Something is wrong with me, and I'm not sure what. I feel powerless and unable/unwilling to do anything. There's so much that I'm avoiding, it doesn't make sense and I don't know why, so in an attempt to make it make sense I'm writing them down and the feelings I associate with it. 

1) Italian documents: in February Rapisardo emailed me several documents to sign, scan back and mail back... I haven't. No good reason. It's so easy to print out, sign, scan and send back to him. Not only have I not, I've been avoiding his messages and his phone calls. I'm also now avoiding Nonna's calls, because I suspect that he has reached out to Alfredo who has then reached out to her. Why... why am I avoiding this. 

    Feelings: Guilt, discomfort, shame. I want to pretend like it doesn't exist, and don't want any reminders of it. Out of sight, out of mind. IF I ignore it'll go away.

2) OPB - it's time for the Officer Performance Brief, the new version of the OPR. I hate OPRs, I always have a hard time with them. 

    Feelings: Dread. Shame. Inadequate. I'm not good enough. Avoidance, if I ignore it'll go away.

3) HOA - This one is confusing. There's HOA fees, and then there's this Vesta fee. I set up automatic withdrawal for one, but I also owe for another? I'm very much confused. It slips my mind, but then they send letters to my house saying I owe - but I'm still not understanding who or what I owe for. 

4) Working out - I know I need to. I want to be fit and trim for my birthday, which is coming up in August. All I'm doing is the weight loss medicine. No kind of organized diet, my nutrition is no good. I know I don't eat enough protein, not enough veggies, not enough fiber. I'm not sure what I'm eating honestly, it's quite haphazard. Not to mention that my fitness test is coming up in August, and I'm not training at all. 

5) Birthday planning - it is now April, my birthday is Aug 1. I have nothing planned. No notice, no save the date, no air bnb, nothing. Why. 

These are all big things. Why am I acting this way? It is not in my best interest to do this. But I don't want to do anything. I feel dread, I feel shame, but I just want to lay in bed and sleep or lay in the sun. I don't want to be productive in any way, I'm content to just lay here and avoid thinking about it. I can't do that. I need to get out of this stagnant energy. 

Not to mention that my house is a mess. Dirty plates in the kitchen since Monday. Clean clothes piled up in my chair waiting to be put away. Suitcase from the weekend on the floor, still full of clothes. 

I'm going to reach out for an emotion code balancing, I feel off.