Last night T revealed something. Several months ago I shared a provocative picture of myself. I think it was me in some lingerie, a bra and panties. He made casual remark of feeling uncomfortable knowing that someone else has this picture of me. I shrugged it off and explained that I figure they probably have lots of pics of different women. Didn’t think of it again. Last night it came up again. Apparently he had never been sent a lingerie pic before, that’s not something his previous partners did. That was his first and he had to reckon with the idea that I’m more worldly than he is. And that made me feel some kind of way. He’s not used to being with someone who openly enjoys sex and intimacy like I do. Now I’m trying to figure out why I feel the way I do.
Is it shame? Adrian says shame statements start with “I should have” - i.e. I should have waited longer to have sex with him. I should have used a condom. I should have held out on intimacy. I don’t want to feel shame. Maybe I did jump into this too quickly, as evidenced by the fall out from Valentines Day. I thought I knew him well, or at least well enough, but apparently i don’t.
But why am I feeling shame? Why do I have this instinct to withdraw? Is it feeling of judgment? He adamantly insists that he isn’t, that he doesn’t want me to change anything about myself, that he loves how open and free I am.
A few days ago I shared with him how I’m excited to buy new swimwear and I’m looking forward to wearing my bikini and thong on the cruise. He shared a skeptical face emoji, and apparently he doesn’t like the idea of something that is “his” being made available to the public. That some things should only be available for him, to include my butt cheeks. I don’t agree with that, it seems silly/foolish to me. Who cares what ppl look at, what’s that got to do with me? I’m not talking to these ppl, I’m not interacting, and I definitely don’t wear bikinis for the gaze of an unknown bystander.
I could fall down a rabbit hole wondering how many men feel that way. Is that common, for men to expect some sort of say or censure in regards to what their partner wears? Willie never gave a damn but he didn’t give s damn about me either. Craig didn’t seem to mind when I went to the beach with him. T said that it doesn’t matter if I’m with him or not, he doesn’t like it. We talked, and I’m not changing anything, but it bothers me to know he has that mindset.
And now this.
I’ve decided, if he makes any attempt to shame me or make me out to be loose or harlot or anything - I’m leaving. I love myself more than anything and anyone (other than William).
