This Christmas was another shitshow. I say this as if I've previously made any kind of mention of shitshow holidays. Just know that Christmas has always been hit or miss for me, and that did not change once I got married. If anything, it got worse. Christmas 2017 wasn't bad if I'm recalling correctly, but Christmas 2018?
It doesn't help that my marriage is already falling apart, okay? It starts every year, a few weeks before Thanksgiving. Every year we fight over where we are going to spend the holidays. He always wants to stay home, he never wants to travel anywhere. Thanksgiving - the kid was off of school for the entire week. I tried to convince him to drive up to Mississippi to see his folks. He'd be able to stay at his brother's house, and spend all day out in the country without having to worry about me getting bored. He probably sees his mom twice a year, and she's old. I firmly believe in appreciating people when you have them, because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Apparently Willie has a different philosophy, because he opted to stay here. Did nothing all week long. IF he had gone, he'd have spent several days with his family members and with his mom. If he had spent thanksgiving with them, we could have a stress-free Christmas with my family. But that's too much like right.
My mom is big on being with family for Christmas. Now that she has a terminal progressive disease and doesn't know how many more Christmases she'll have, she's ever more determined to have us with her for the holidays. So determined that she paid for our plane tickets to fly in to see her. Initially I told her to just buy tickets for the kid and myself, because Willie had a job interview coming up and if he got the job he'd probably have to work Christmas. Frankly, I was looking forward to getting away from him. He had become a toxic presence and I just didn't want him around me. Then he got all pissy because he wasn't going to spend Christmas with his son, and he felt that I did it out of spite to hurt him. Which is not true at all, and quite ironic seeing that he chose to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning with his family and wasn't there anyway.
So we got to my mom's house after 10 pm, spent Friday with her. Or, the kid and I spent the day with her. Willie spent part of the day closed up in the bedroom watching Narcos on his phone, and part of it out doing whatever (I don't know where or what, he just wasn't around). He wanted to drive down to his mom's Saturday morning, and then return to my mom's house Monday afternoon. So after accepting paid plane tickets, to dip out for the entire weekend and come back Christmas Eve? Where they do that at? Not only using my mom's husband's vehicle, but add to that the additional expenditure of gas (because that damned Jeep got 14 mpg) but also a hotel room because his mom lives in a nursing home. If it wasn't for my mom buying the tickets he wouldn't be there to see his mom. Well I wanted to spend time with my mom, so I told him that we could meet up Saturday afternoon. His folks live about 3 hours south of my mom, but we were planning on doing some shopping Saturday so that worked out fine. Naturally he gets pissy about that, I guess because I wasn't enthusiastic enough? I'm not sure. We tell him to come get me around 2:30 - 3:00, I'd call and let him know where exactly. 2:00 rolls around, I call him and he says he's still an hour away. He claims that he didn't know what our plans were. 😑 (I see you Passive Aggressive/PA) He meets us at my mom's house close to 4, which I'm upset about because now my mom has to drive back to her house by herself in the dark - which is why I specifically wanted to be picked up earlier. But anywhoo...
We ride back down to the nursing home, with a stop by Dollar General and Lee's Chicken for his mom. Take her back to the home, and we go to the hotel room. The next day, Sunday, we only saw his mom for maybe 20 minutes because she had dialysis that morning and wasn't feeling well. We did eat at his aunt's house, and we dropped by his brother's house for a few hours before going back to the hotel. He claims that he only really wants to see his mom, he doesn't really care too much about other folks and really doesn't like his brother (some interfamily mess) so really Sunday was a waste. Then Monday morning we were supposed to meet up with my mom at 0900 for her to take The Kid (TK) and myself back up to her house. Mr PA strikes again, we didn't get there until 10. He stayed down with his folks until Christmas Day, he drove back up to my mom's and ended up going back down to see them again (with TK this time) on Wednesday for a full day (left in the morning and came back at midnight).
Of course my mom had questions, and what could I say? I'm over coming up with vague excuses and reasons for his stupid behavior. We've been together 14 years and still he hides out in the bedroom to avoid being around people? Really? Sir, you are damn near 50 years old. What is the issue? And then he wants to portray the good family guy around his own folks. Get outta here with that bull.
2019 is the year of big changes in my life. Everything has a reason and a season. Some seasons last longer than others. This is the last time I allow someone to ruin Christmas for me.
God has been showing me for some time that this is not fertile ground. Does that make sense? Nothing more can come of this marriage. It's taken me so long to face this because I held so much hope despite the obvious signs being thrown my way. One doesn't get married lightly right? I guess I hoped that I could make it work. It took the literal in-your-face diagnosis for me to get the message, and I have no one to blame but myself for that. I can't help but wonder, if I had listened to my gut the first time would I have 3 kids by now? What would my life look like? Who knows.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Never sent...
Copy/Pasted from my phone. I typed this out one day at work when I too much on my mind. Initially I intended to send it via text message but eventually decided against it. I'm to the point now where I don't have the patience. We've done this so many times before: Things go wrong, I type out a long ass message only for him to tell me that he didn't read it. So why bother. I'm posting here for my own posterity. So that one day I can look back and read this, and remember what it's like to be lonely and to feel unloved.
******************************************************************************
This is long, and you don’t have to read it all - But I’m not going to tell you what I sent. So either read it, or not. It makes no difference to me.
It’s disturbing to me that, as much as the word “divorce” has been thrown around between us lately - your only reaction has been anger. You haven’t shown shock, or sadness, or grief. Nothing to suggest to me that you’re sad about how our relationship has gone downhill. You’re mad at me, and you lash out and want to hurt me. But the thought of losing me doesn’t make you sad. You’ve made it clear that you’ll be fine starting over because you’ve started over twice before. When you say start over, what does that mean? I think it means financially. Finding a place to live, starting over. No concern at all about losing your Wife, the person you vowed to have and to hold for the rest of your life.
Do you remember when I used to ask for a hug? Or tell you to put your arms around me in the kitchen? I used to ask because if I didn’t ask, you’d brush me off and tell me that you’re busy doing this or that. Once I started asking, you’d get offended and fuss about it because asking made it seem like you never did it and you didn’t like that. So I stopped asking. And so I’ve learned to stop looking for and expecting affection, outside of the rare times when you feel like showing it. Do you have any idea how painful that is?
I try to ignore it, but it hurts. Especially when we’re around other couples and I see them sitting near each other, or the man with his arm around the woman, the casual affection indicative of love. I remember back in 2012, at the one prenatal class we attended, Nick and Candace where there. Nick was constantly touching Candace. His hand on her shoulder. Rubbing her upper back. Hand on her belly. And I remember feeling so alone, even though you were there physically, I still felt alone. You didn’t think to touch me. I didn’t get my lower back rubbed, or my hand held. I had to help myself up off of the ground. That was 6 years ago.
Since then, we’ve had bright patches and stretches of time when things were good but it always seems to go back to your normal.
Like in 2014 when William and I went to Italy for 2 weeks without you. On phone calls you couldn't even say that you missed me, you'd always say "I miss y'all". There's a difference you know, words mean things. And even when I called that out, you still didn't correct yourself. After the trip, I came back expecting maybe some demonstration of how you missed me, some indication that being without me was difficult. Instead you went on and on about how you painted that damned fence, and got mad at me when I pointed that out. I guess I wasn’t appreciative enough.
Even this past month, with the situation of the plane tickets. The only time I’ve seen you express hurt was at the idea of being away from William for Christmas. Not about being away from me. If I were to not come home, if I were to disappear from the earth, you wouldn’t miss me - Marisa. At least as long as you have enough money to make sure the bills got paid.
I still can’t get over how, as I sat next to you on the bed crying my eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably- you couldn’t bring yourself to comfort me. That’s when I knew.
And I know what you’re thinking - I'm never satisfied, right? No matter what you do it's never enough. You're right, it isn’t enough. The little bit of affection you provide (when you feel like it) is not enough. That is not what I’d call a Good Relationship. It is not enough for me. I need more than what you have been giving me, and its not fair for either one of us. You have proven time and time again that you cannot give me what I need in order to be happy. And it's evident to me that I am not the person you need to make you feel happy and satisfied as a man. THAT is what I mean when I say we aren’t good for each other. I want more than what you can give me.
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT MONEY! I would have been content working and being the financial foundation if this relationship were based on anything substantial, but it isn't. What is our relationship based on? What do we have?
Love and affection should be given freely, naturally and without second thought. I don’t want to live the rest of my life hungering to feel loved. I don’t want to be an afterthought, only to be considered until all other tasks have been completed. People should take priority over things. I ought to be more important to you than household chores/cutting the grass/cleaning the kitchen/watching tv.
You do the same to William. He talks to you, and you ignore him and talk over him as if he hadn't said a thing. He'll ask you to do something, and you ignore him until you feel like addressing it. You keep him at aftercare until 6 pm so you can finish tasks and chores - nevermind the fact that he spends more time at school than he does at home.
I need to be cherished. I need to be loved. I want the kind of marriage where we can do fun things together - take walks in the evening, ride bikes together, go to the pool together. Have fun family traditions that we do every year. When I suggested taking family walks together you immediately shot me down, came up with all kinds of reasons for why it couldn't happen. We've been married for 11 years and our only "tradition" is the annual argument about travel over the holidays.
In a marriage, husband and wife are supposed to have their best interests in mind. Decisions should be made together, and should work toward the same goals. We don’t have that. You don't have my back.
So no, this isn’t about 3-4 days of not talking to each other. This isn’t just about you being upset about moving on base. Our marriage isn’t just now sliding downhill. It’s at the bottom.
If this is married life, I’d rather be alone.
******************************************************************************
This is long, and you don’t have to read it all - But I’m not going to tell you what I sent. So either read it, or not. It makes no difference to me.
It’s disturbing to me that, as much as the word “divorce” has been thrown around between us lately - your only reaction has been anger. You haven’t shown shock, or sadness, or grief. Nothing to suggest to me that you’re sad about how our relationship has gone downhill. You’re mad at me, and you lash out and want to hurt me. But the thought of losing me doesn’t make you sad. You’ve made it clear that you’ll be fine starting over because you’ve started over twice before. When you say start over, what does that mean? I think it means financially. Finding a place to live, starting over. No concern at all about losing your Wife, the person you vowed to have and to hold for the rest of your life.
Do you remember when I used to ask for a hug? Or tell you to put your arms around me in the kitchen? I used to ask because if I didn’t ask, you’d brush me off and tell me that you’re busy doing this or that. Once I started asking, you’d get offended and fuss about it because asking made it seem like you never did it and you didn’t like that. So I stopped asking. And so I’ve learned to stop looking for and expecting affection, outside of the rare times when you feel like showing it. Do you have any idea how painful that is?
I try to ignore it, but it hurts. Especially when we’re around other couples and I see them sitting near each other, or the man with his arm around the woman, the casual affection indicative of love. I remember back in 2012, at the one prenatal class we attended, Nick and Candace where there. Nick was constantly touching Candace. His hand on her shoulder. Rubbing her upper back. Hand on her belly. And I remember feeling so alone, even though you were there physically, I still felt alone. You didn’t think to touch me. I didn’t get my lower back rubbed, or my hand held. I had to help myself up off of the ground. That was 6 years ago.
Since then, we’ve had bright patches and stretches of time when things were good but it always seems to go back to your normal.
Like in 2014 when William and I went to Italy for 2 weeks without you. On phone calls you couldn't even say that you missed me, you'd always say "I miss y'all". There's a difference you know, words mean things. And even when I called that out, you still didn't correct yourself. After the trip, I came back expecting maybe some demonstration of how you missed me, some indication that being without me was difficult. Instead you went on and on about how you painted that damned fence, and got mad at me when I pointed that out. I guess I wasn’t appreciative enough.
Even this past month, with the situation of the plane tickets. The only time I’ve seen you express hurt was at the idea of being away from William for Christmas. Not about being away from me. If I were to not come home, if I were to disappear from the earth, you wouldn’t miss me - Marisa. At least as long as you have enough money to make sure the bills got paid.
I still can’t get over how, as I sat next to you on the bed crying my eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably- you couldn’t bring yourself to comfort me. That’s when I knew.
And I know what you’re thinking - I'm never satisfied, right? No matter what you do it's never enough. You're right, it isn’t enough. The little bit of affection you provide (when you feel like it) is not enough. That is not what I’d call a Good Relationship. It is not enough for me. I need more than what you have been giving me, and its not fair for either one of us. You have proven time and time again that you cannot give me what I need in order to be happy. And it's evident to me that I am not the person you need to make you feel happy and satisfied as a man. THAT is what I mean when I say we aren’t good for each other. I want more than what you can give me.
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT MONEY! I would have been content working and being the financial foundation if this relationship were based on anything substantial, but it isn't. What is our relationship based on? What do we have?
Love and affection should be given freely, naturally and without second thought. I don’t want to live the rest of my life hungering to feel loved. I don’t want to be an afterthought, only to be considered until all other tasks have been completed. People should take priority over things. I ought to be more important to you than household chores/cutting the grass/cleaning the kitchen/watching tv.
You do the same to William. He talks to you, and you ignore him and talk over him as if he hadn't said a thing. He'll ask you to do something, and you ignore him until you feel like addressing it. You keep him at aftercare until 6 pm so you can finish tasks and chores - nevermind the fact that he spends more time at school than he does at home.
I need to be cherished. I need to be loved. I want the kind of marriage where we can do fun things together - take walks in the evening, ride bikes together, go to the pool together. Have fun family traditions that we do every year. When I suggested taking family walks together you immediately shot me down, came up with all kinds of reasons for why it couldn't happen. We've been married for 11 years and our only "tradition" is the annual argument about travel over the holidays.
In a marriage, husband and wife are supposed to have their best interests in mind. Decisions should be made together, and should work toward the same goals. We don’t have that. You don't have my back.
So no, this isn’t about 3-4 days of not talking to each other. This isn’t just about you being upset about moving on base. Our marriage isn’t just now sliding downhill. It’s at the bottom.
If this is married life, I’d rather be alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)